If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
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If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.