Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost