[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
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Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
lol
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose