Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
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Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Finally!
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.