TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
You Might Also Like
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
😅🤣😂
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name