A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
You Might Also Like
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Good point.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.