technically true but not a great slogan
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Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.