My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
You Might Also Like
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.