My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*