Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
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Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.