If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
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The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
This hospital has everything
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket