Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
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Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time