HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
liiiiiiiiike
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.