Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
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Smallpox sounds so adorable
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.