I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Many hands make light work