Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
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My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
when revenge coincides with naptime
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”