rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
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If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I’m Sold!
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”