me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
is this store having a stroke wtf
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
the saddest jazz hands ever
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still