[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
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We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.