Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
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Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
me before I type out affect or effect
We avoided this particular disaster
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”