Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
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After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!