Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
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I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Trying
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!