“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
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[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.