No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Worth remembering.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.