My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
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[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
A dad and his duck
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
#Caturday
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.