i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
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Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Fiction has to make sense.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!