[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
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“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”