Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
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drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.