I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
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My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“