Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
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[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library