Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
🔦🌙👣
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
WHY?!
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
don’t we all
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong