An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
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*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Y’all know who you are.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard