[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
You Might Also Like
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
saving face 👀
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Thank you corporation very cool
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.