IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
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I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
🙁
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I was just discussing this with my cat
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven