I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not