me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING