He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
are there any atheist mantises?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer