I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Respect
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
The French word for sex is croissant.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Can Happiness buy money?
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food