Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall