I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
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I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
i think we should see other cousins
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Only Americans understand