ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
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Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Britain be like
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.