Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom