As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
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