Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
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One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
#Thanos #MondayMood
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
can’t wait til they legalize outside
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me trying to walk in a dream
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.