One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
lmao
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
i can’t wait that long
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.