Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
You Might Also Like
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?