Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
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On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm