[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.