Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.