Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.